FCTB031: How to Rediscover Who You Really Are

I’m convinced most people don’t know who they are. Life conditions us at a young age to suppress our true selves. We suppress ourselves to protect ourselves, to fit in, or even just to make sense of why something did or didn’t happen. Yet at some point the brick wall we’ve built around ourselves begins to hold us back. We’re not really living our best lives.

In this episode I discuss:

  • How we lose ourselves
  • How we can find ourselves


A Prayer to be My True Self

authencity

Dear Heavenly Father,

I come you to this evening to pray for your guidance as I discover more about who I am and trust in who You are molding me to be. I pray to be able to see me the way that You see me. Your word says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your word says that everything created by You is good and that nothing is to be rejected. Help me to be 100% of who You made me to be. I am made in Your image. Help my eyes to see, Lord. Give me the courage to walk in the world as my true self. Help me to be honest, truthful, real, and authentic. Kill the spirit of comparison in me. Direct me away from trying to be like anyone else. Forgive me, God for comparing myself and mimicking after anyone else.  I know You have specific gifts and a specific purpose just for me. Lord, show me my gifts. Reveal to me my purpose. Make it plain, God, so I can write it on the tablets and run with it.

Lord, as I’ve embarked on a journey to help others discover who they really are please order my steps. Help me to teach others how to have confident assurance of who they are and the gifts they possess. Let me be Your vessel to lead Your people to more fulfilling and purposeful lives. Help them heal where they need to heal and to grow where they need to grow. As people discover who they are, I pray that it leads them to You. I pray that they’d be transformed by the renewing of their minds.

In Jesus name, these things I pray.

Amen.


Who’s Life Are You Living?

Who’s life are you living?

I’m a twin. When you’re a twin people expect you to be just like your sibling. Growing up people would say,” Why are you doing what’s she’s doing?” or “What aren’t you going to the school she’s going to?”

It can be difficult to be true to your authentic self. You’re always compared and stacked against each other.

I’ve heard people say that they took on a certain role because it wasn’t already taken. They’ll say, “My sister was the pretty one. My brother was the athletic one. So I had to be the smart one.”

That’s no way to define yourself. You don’t look outside yourself to decide who you’ll be. You have to look inside yourself. But people adopt these roles by looking around them to their siblings, cousins, and friends. They carry those ill-defined roles and labels around with them for years or decades.

That’s not being who you are. That’s more like being who you think you have to be to be acknowledged and valued.

Who you are comes from inside yourself.

Sometimes other people have expectations on us. They expect us to do things that meet their needs. When someone is expecting certain things out of you it is because it fulfills THEIR vision. If you’re fulfilling someone else’s vision who’s fulfilling your vision? We have to be careful when we’re living up to someone else’s expectations because it takes us away from our own vision. Maybe you forgot that you could have a vision. Maybe you forgot that you could have a dream.

Being compared to someone, living up to someone else’s expectations, responding to the feedback you receive from others is what pulls you away from you’re authentic self. You try to protect yourself. You try to fit in. You try to feel good enough.

You are good enough. You just have to take the journey back to who you really are. The real you is POWERFUL.

If you’ve lost sense of who you are and you’re ready to rediscover your true self I invite you to apply for a complimentary REDISCOVER YOU clarity call. Visit www.transformwithcharlene.com.

 


Be Your True, Authentic Self

My personal motto is “Be Really You”. Not just a little bit of you. Not just a little of the time. Be 100% of you, 100% of the time.

I believe that life conditions us at a young age to suppress who we really are so much so that when we are adults we don’t know who we are.

I remember a time in high school, my classmates and I went to breakfast for Senior Ditch Day. (We were lame seniors…lol). Everyone was laughing and talking and socializing. I’ll never forget it. One of my classmates said to me, “You laugh loudly,” and I felt myself shrink.

Did I laugh too loudly? Did I miss the memo on what an appropriate laugh is?

That’s how it happens. That’s how we lose ourselves. We get feedback from other people. We get feedback from life and events. This feedback tells us that we’re different. So we spend our lives trying to fit an imaginary mold of who we think we should be. We try to fit the mold of what is acceptable and right.

<<There is no mold. We get to design our own lives.>>

Then we get older and get married. We have kids. Now there is another set of layers we pile on. We have new roles to play. The real us sinks deeper.

Eight years ago I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know that I didn’t know. It showed up in my life. It showed up in the way I presented myself. It showed up in the experiences and people I allowed into my life.

I welcomed people and experiences into my life that did not belong. Yet, I had no idea that they didn’t belong because I didn’t know what belonged. I didn’t know who belonged. I didn’t know me.

I let people, a man, stay in my life was wayyy too long. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin.

I felt ashamed of the life I was living. I was embarrassed by the things I accepted, the things I settled for.

The life I live today is so much different than the life I lived eight years ago. The people and experiences in my life all belong here. I know that for a fact, because now I know me.

I feel comfortable in my own skin again. I feel fulfilled and life has meaning. My cup runs over.

That’s why I’m so excited to announce my brand new Rediscover You 90 Day private intensive coaching program.

If you realize that you’ve lost touch with who you are. Maybe you feel like you’ve never known who you are I invite you to apply for a complimentary Rediscover You clarity call to discuss if my private intensive is the right program for you. Apply at www.transformwithcharlene.com.

Joseph Campbell has a quote that I love. He says, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.”

I thought about that quote. Why is it a privilege to be who you are?

I decided it’s a privilege because everybody won’t do it. Everyone will not take the journey back to their true, authentic, powerful self. Everyone won’t have the courage. Everyone won’t have the support or the guidance.

Some people will never be their true selves. Some people will never live my motto, “Be Really You.”

But you can.

Simply apply at www.transformwithcharlene.com to get the conversation started. I’m only looking for 10 women so even if you think you might be interested now is the time to act.

~ Charlene


The Other Reason You Don’t Know Who You Are

Be Really YouI’ve talked a bit about how we lose sense of who we are. There was a time I didn’t know who I was. In my previous posts I’ve explained how we suppress our true selves over time,  bit by bit. We do this because someone called us out. Made us feel different. Inadequate. Unworthy. Weird. So we suppressed those qualities about ourselves in an attempt to fit an imaginary mold we think we have to fit in order to be accepted and loved. Until one day we look up and realize that our life is a mess. We’re unhappy and unfulfilled even though we filled the mold as best we could.

One day we realize there is no mold. So we have to start the journey back to who we really are. If we’re lucky that is.

We realize we lost the knowledge of who we really are because we suppressed it. That’s one reason you may not know who you are.

The other reason you may not know who you are is because someone in your life doesn’t want you to know who you are.

I had a bully boyfriend. It took my years after that relationship ended to realize he was a bully. He would bully me often. He would say things to me to make me feel inadequate.

“You act like you’re in love with that dog,” he’d tell me. Yes I love my dog. I bought her for a reason. Why was he trying to make me feel a certain way about playing with her and spending time with her?

This man was jealous of the dog! He was jealous of the affection I had for her so something had to be wrong with me.

Sometimes people don’t want you to know who you are because it means that they have to address the truth of who they are.

Sometimes people don’t want you to know who you are because it means they have to change. They have to be better. They have to treat you better. They have to step up their game.

Sometimes people don’t want you to know who you are because it means they will have to leave. Some people will not be able to stay in your life once you accept who you are and what you deserve.

When I didn’t know who I was I put up with a lot of crap. I questioned my decisions. I questioned my relationship with my dog. In the back of my head I knew there wasn’t anything wrong with me. But the doubt crept in. As long as I was in doubt I was his. I was where he wanted me to be.

There might be someone in your life, a lover, a parent, or maybe a boss who doesn’t want you to know who you are. They want to continue to manipulate you. They want to continue to take advantage of you. Someone in your life wants to continue to use you. They want to use you for your benefits, your money, your connections. They want to use you for your kindness.

Someone in your life does not want you to come to realization that this isn’t who you are. This lifestyle isn’t who you are. This relationship isn’t who you are. It’s not what you value. It’s not what you believe in. It’s not what you deserve.

They don’t ever want you to know the truth of who you are because they will have to change or leave. Believe me when I say they don’t want to do either. Someone wants things to stay just the way they are because it’s easier on them. It’s more advantageous. They get the fruit without ever having to plant a single seed.

Someone doesn’t want you to know who you are because they can control you. They get to have their way with you. You cannot control the woman who knows who she is. You cannot control the person that knows what deserve. You cannot control a woman who stands in her power. It’s impossible to do.

Is there someone in your life who doesn’t want you to know who you are? They manipulate you. They insult you. They give you a hard time about your beliefs, goals, or desires. Maybe they try to keep you away from certain people. People who would remind you of who you are.

When someone is telling you things about yourself that don’t feel right pay attention to that. Hold fast to your truth. I’ve had people lie to me about me. Like, um, I was there! I go with me everywhere. What are you talking about?

Yet, it happens. People fall for it. Or they get tired of defending themselves so they relent. If you’re not careful you’ll start to think you’re crazy.

Pay attention to someone trying to manipulate you and how you feel. Take note of someone putting you down, insulting you because of your interests and your choices (like being interested in playing with your dog).

Don’t allow someone else’s self serving agenda keep you lost and unsure of who you are.

If you’ve lost sense of yourself, if you’ve been manipulated, bullied or coerced to suppress the real you it’s time to rediscover you. It is time to get back to the real you so that you can enjoy the life that you deserve. Start the journey back to you by applying for a complimentary Rediscover You clarity call at www.transformwithcharlene.com today!


10 Signs You Don’t Know Who You Are

1. You don’t know what you want

You don’t know what you care about. You don’t know what your goals are. You don’t know where you want to go. You don’t know what you enjoy.  If you find it hard to create a clear vision for your future it’s likely that you don’t know who you are. You may even have limiting beliefs around what you deserve or what is possible for you. You may be afraid to dream.

2. You change your mind a lot

This goes along with #1. You don’t know what you want so you change your mind a lot. One day you’re pursing one thing. The next day you’re pursing something else. One day you’re interested in one thing or one person. The next day you’re interested in something or someone completely different. You can’t stay the course with anything. You constantly change your mind.

3. You have a lot of regrets

When you know who you are and what you stand for you make decisions that align with the real you. You can stand by the decisions that you have made. Your authentic self always has your best interest at heart. If you’re doing and saying a lot things that cause you a lot of regret you don’t know who you are.

4. You’re different around different people

Of course, we all have relationships that bring out different sides of us. We also know when certain aspects of ourselves may not be appropriate. When in Rome do as the Romans. However, if your values and beliefs are changing depending on who you are around, you don’t know who you are. You’re not confident in who you are.

5. Your outer world doesn’t match your inner world

Have you ever felt like people didn’t see you for who you really are? In your head you’re one way, but to the outside world you’re another? Sometimes it could be them. Other times it is because there’s a mismatch between how you present yourself to the world and who you actually believe yourself to be.

6. You settle

When you know who you are you know what you want. You know what you deserve and you’re unwilling to take less than what you deserve. If you don’t know who you are you don’t know your birthright. You don’t require a certain level of respect and honor. You settle for whatever you can get. You settle for what is easy.

7. You lack confidence

When you know who you are and you love that person you can stand in your authentic power. You can hold your head high and all of life responds to you. When you know who you are you show up in the world the way that you want to. When you don’t know who you are you are constantly unsure of yourself and your abilities. You have no confidence. You have no self belief. How can you have confidence in someone you don’t know? How can you trust her?

8. There’s a lot of drama and chaos in your life

I believe that drama is a distraction. When people don’t want to face certain things they create or entertain drama to distract them from what is really going. If you’re distracting yourself or allowing yourself to be distracted you’re hiding from something. If you’re hiding from something you don’t fully know who you are.

This might look like have feelings of insecurity around a certain person and being mean and snarky to her. It might look like always sitting around and talking bad about other people. It might be getting in and out of bad relationships or being promiscuous.

9. You lack fulfillment and satisfaction

No matter what is going on in life the person that knows who they are always has some level of fulfillment and satisfaction. They may be striving for more. The may be facing an obstacle but they still experience an overarching feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

If you never feel fulfilled or satisfied you don’t know who are you. Or you’re not  confident enough in who you are. If you knew what would fulfill you wouldn’t you go do it? If you knew how to satisfy yourself wouldn’t you create the experiences that would lead you to that satisfaction? You wouldn’t be dissatisfied and not do anything about it, right? That is unless you had no idea what to do about it, because you didn’t have a strong sense of self.

10. You ask yourself “Who am I?”

No explanation is needed. Sometimes you don’t need a quiz or a blog or a coach to tell you that you don’t know who you are. You have already reached that understanding for yourself.  You have already discovered that you keep finding yourself in situations with people that just don’t feel right. Something always feels off. You’ve realized you’re not in alignment. You wonder who you really are and how to create that alignment between who you are, what you do, who you surround yourself with, and the life you live.

Starting to think you don’t know who you are?

It’s so important to know who you are. That’s how you create a life that is fulfilling, peaceful, and full of joy. That’s how you find your purpose. That’s how to engage in productive activities and build fulfilling, sustainable relationships. Knowing who you are is the first step to “manifesting” what you want.

Discovering who you are isn’t something that is done by accident. It’s journey we all have to take. It’s worth it. Finding out who I, Charlene, am has changed my life. It has changed my relationships. It has changed my spirituality. I feel confident. I feel secure. I love harder. I am more open. I go after what I want from real estate investing to traveling to mission work. I go for it. I support others – even “competitors” – because I know who I am. I’m not threatened. I believe in myself. I believe in my God. I trust myself. Beyond that I love myself.

There is just nothing as soul-stirring, earth shattering and life changing as discovering and loving who you are. My cup literally runs over. I wish I could take the joy and fulfillment bubbling in my heart right now and send to everyone reading this. When I say there is a special power in knowing who you are I mean it so much. It’s the greatest gift we can give to ourselves, our loved ones, and to life itself.

If you don’t know who you are you aren’t living your highest vision or your highest purpose. You cannot afford to keep walking through the earth as somebody else. You can’t keep wearing that mask. You can’t keeping being nobody. It’s time to stand up as the woman that you really are. It’s time to break out of your cocoon. It’s time to get your wings.

Take the first step and sign up for a complimentary Rediscover You clarity session with me. Sign up at http://www.transformwithcharlene.com today.

 


I don’t like Brussel Sprouts, Yet No One Knows (Your Soul Needs Healing)

Heal Your Soul

 

Yes, it’s true. I don’t like brussel sprouts. I’ve tried to. I’ve experimented with different recipes and cooking methods. Still I just don’t like them. Yet, no one knows that I don’t like brussel sprouts (well until now….shhhh don’t tell anyone). Do you know why no one knows? Because I don’t talk about it. Ever. In fact, I don’t even think about it.

It amazes me when I see or hear someone constantly talking about or posting about someone or something that they swear they can’t stand. I’m thinking,”Why are you always thinking about it then?” Why is that thing always on their heart if they don’t like it? I do not carry brussel sprouts around in my heart. Trust me!

I say that it amazes me, but honestly I understand. And I’m not trying to negate what anyone feels. I get it. There’s a disconnect between what that person believes and what they want to believe. Take for example someone who grew up in a spiritual household that worshipped God. Something bad happens to that family. A death. Maybe a divorce or financial troubles. As a result of that thing happening there just can’t be a God of love and healing and restoration. So God doesn’t exist anymore.

Or perhaps someone has issues with money. They never had any. They were told money is the root of all evil. Or maybe money destroyed some aspect of their life. So now money is the enemy and people with money are the devil.

Sometimes when we can’t reconcile why things happen we have to make up stories to rationalize it. We have to establish a new “truth”, because the old one wasn’t good enough. But that doesn’t solve the problem. The problem is that we are hurting or we’re afraid of being hurt. Covering up that hurt and fear doesn’t help. It just creates a new problem. A problem where there is incongruence with what we believe and what we think.

When we’re constantly thinking about and talking about something we don’t like there’s a good chance that we’re trying to convince our true selves to believe this new story. If we could just convince our selves of this new truth we wouldn’t hurt anymore. We wouldn’t be mad at God or money or love or whatever it is we’re mad at. That doesn’t work though. It never does. That’s why they keep talking about it. When the soul needs healing you can’t skirt around it. You have to heal your soul. You have to heal your relationship with God or money or love.

How? You take small steps. You say, “God, my heart and soul are in turmoil over my belief in You. Give me wisdom. Help me to see. My heart is open.” You attempt to trace back the events of your life to see what got you here so you can examine the unhealed parts of you. You let yourself feel the hurt and cry the tears. You decide to trust a little. You open your heart a little to love. You go out on a date or hold hands with someone special. You must allow yourself to entertain the idea that what you’ve been saying to yourself all this time may not be the truth.

People don’t naturally gravitate towards negative things. Not at the core of who they are. We embrace laughter, love, bright sunny days, and joy. Your soul is love. God is love. You have to know that wherever it is that you don’t feel love you need healing.

I want to specify that I’m not talking about the things that are against love that you take a stand against. It you want to fight the war on drugs or poverty you should. If the message you send is grounded in love, positivity and improvement, continue to share your message.

If your message is one of hate or dislike and is unproductive to anyone including you, pay attention to where that is coming from. Ask yourself, “Why am I so against…..?” “Why am I always posting negative comments about…..?” “Why is this on my heart and mind so much?”

Paying attention to your routine, negative chatter can be life changing. It’s a clue to who you really are and what you really believe. You just have to follow the clues. Be willing to do some soul searching and self-discovery. When you align your thoughts and actions with your true beliefs you will find a joy and peace like you’ve never known before. I pray you open up your heart enough to receive.

 


Picking A Fight is So Unnecessary

Don't Pick Fights

For the past 7 days I’ve been participating in Jeff Goins‘ 7 Day Intentional Blogging Challenge.  The exercise for day three was to pick a fight with someone. Here we are at the last day of the challenge and I have yet to pick a fight.

I’ve thought long and hard about this. Who should I pick a fight with? What do I want to challenge? What do I believe in? With all that searching and reflecting I just couldn’t come up with anything. I realized that I don’t want to pick a fight with anyone over anything. It simply goes against my personal motto, a motto I think everyone should adopt.

My personal motto is to Be Really You. Not just a little bit of you, but 100% of you. Not the you, you pretend to be or feel forced to be. I believe everyone should be the you that they really are.

I also believe that life conditions us at a young age to suppress who we really are. I’ll never forget going to a senior ditch day breakfast during high school. Everyone was talking and laughing. Someone said something I found to be funny so I laughed. Apparently loudly. My classmate said to me,”You laugh loud!” In that moment I felt myself shrink. She picked a fight with me and I started to wonder if something was wrong with me. I didn’t rehearse that laugh. It is just what naturally came out of me. Now, I felt the need to monitor my laugh. I felt the need to not be so loud next time. I felt the need to study other people’s laugh to learn what’s acceptable. I felt the need to not be me.

That’s how it happens. You go through life with people picking little fights with you here and there. They pick a fight over your laugh, your clothes, your dreams, your thoughts. And one by one you change your laugh, you change your clothes, you change your dreams and you change your thoughts. Until one day you find yourself surrounded by chaos or feelings of insignificance. You don’t know who you are. You don’t know what you want. You don’t know how you got here or where you’re going. So (ideally) you start to knock down the walls, peel back the layers, and remove all the masks you’ve been wearing. You start to search for who you’ve really been all along.

I believe life is best lived when you are your true self. Joseph Campbell said, “The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” I agree. That’s why I do the work that I do. I help people embrace who they really are and live their truth.

For that reason, I don’t go around picking fights with people when they share their truths. I celebrate them. I honor their courage not knowing how long it took for them to get to this place. I respect their journey not knowing how close they are to shrinking back like I once did.

It takes great personal strength to stand up and be seen in a world that is so judgmental, vain, or self absorbed at times. I refuse to fight against those who do. And with that, I’m picking a fight with you, Jeff Goins. Put your dukes up.

 


How We Forget Who We Really Are & How to Find Ourselves Again

Who am I

I’m convinced most people don’t know who they are. Life conditions us at a young age to suppress our true selves so much so that when we are older we are unrecognizable.

I remember when I was in high school I went to breakfast with some classmates. It was senior ditch day. Of course there was tons of conversation, jokes and laughter. Apparently I laughed a little too hard (based on someone’s opinion). I’ll never forget one of my classmates saying to me, “You laugh loud!” and I felt myself instantly shrink. “Did I laugh too loudly?” I wondered.

That’s how it happens. Someone says something to us that makes us question ourselves. Life has these “rules” that we’ve learned to live by in one way or another. If I’m criticized or isolated in any way I’ve done something wrong. Something that shouldn’t be done again.  If I believe something no one else believes my beliefs are challenged. If I want something no one else wants my desires are frivolous. And because we are taught to “fit in” that’s what we do. We fit ourselves in. Not only are we trained to fit in, but we want to. We crave close connections and anything that is perceived as a threat to those connections has to be done away with. We change ourselves to fit in, to not stand out, to not be criticized or talked about. We change ourselves for a false sense of connection. After years of this routine we don’t remember who we really are to begin with.

So, how do you know if you don’t really know who you are?

For one, if you even have to ask the question you probably don’t know who you are. Other signs include:

  • Your opinion changes depending on who you are with or you never even have an opinion.
  • You have a hard time deciding or expressing what you believe in, what you want for your life or what makes u happy.
  • You feel uncomfortable in your own skin.
  • You have a habit of making decisions you are certain will lead to the transformation you are yearning for, yet they rarely do.

If that describes you and you want to find yourself try these tips:

Journal – record your thoughts, feelings, and desires as soon as they hit you (before you have time to process whether they are “right” or “wrong”).

Meditate – Clear your mind to hear your heart and your soul speak to you.

Enjoy silent, alone time – Spend time alone with your thoughts. The next time you’re driving turn off the radio and ride in silence. Learn to listen to you.

Challenge yourself – Challenge a current belief, habit, or activity. Where did it come from? Do you enjoy how it makes you feel? Does it align with the real you or the you, you pretend to be?

I’m 31 now and long past those high school days. As an introvert I spend a lot of time in self-reflection. I finally know who I am and who I want to become.  I learn more about my true self every day and I fight for her every day. No battle is too costly to engage in for the benefit of protecting and preserving her. In fact I lost a job over it. My boss at the time was extremely controlling and manipulative. I didn’t accept that behavior from her. I wouldn’t be controlled because then that wouldn’t be the real me. Today I live life on my own terms. I’m not trying to fit. I don’t care who shares my beliefs or desires. Most importantly, I laugh as loud as I want to.

IT Statement (Inspiring & Transformational)

I know who I am and I like who I am.

Tweet your IT Statement.


Not sure who you really? Sign up for a complimentary clarity call with me. I help women just like you discover their true self so they can transform into the person they were always meant to be. Sign up on the Work with Charlene page.